Fears and Tears

Before I began this poem
I never realised
How many of my fears
Are connected to family ties.
The fear of losing them
Is always the most obvious
But there are others too
That only I might recognise
After long thought
And consideration
This is my list of fears:
The fear (and unreasoning hatred)
Of woodlice from my gran
The fear of water
From almost drowning at the seaside
When I was only three.
And when my aunt bathed me,
One glorious summer’s day
And pushed down in the bath
I started to panic and cry
I was probably four then.
Falling is a constant in my head
I visualize all the time
And the worst scenarios
Play out behind my eyes
Til I flinch, force my thoughts away
From imaginary blood and gore.
I fell down the stairs
At home and landed
against the wall
I have a scar on my thigh
From when I slipped
On glass, snow and ice
And neatly incised a gouge out of my leg
Running around the back yard
Aged ten or eleven
I carried the numbed lump
Into the house as if it could be mended!
Being locked in is another
I got trapped in the loo!! (I know :))
At my uncle’s house
When I was three or four
He had to climb up a ladder
Through the window to get me out
A year to so later playing with my cousins
They locked me in a wardrobe
At my grannies house
I hyperventilated that day!
And last, being laughed at
On most (not all) of these events
The people around me
Found the situations hilarious
Worthy of raucous laughter,
Merriment and hilarity
While I curled up internally
And shrivelled inside.
And my childhood has made me
The person I now am
With fears and concerns
That might not affect
another woman or man –
I am used to me and my foibles
My clumsiness and walking into things!
My fears are part of me
And so I leave them be.
I am who I am

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